happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
