What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
