Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
