Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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