Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
