Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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