literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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