apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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