just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
