When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
are you so shy because you have an std?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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