Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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