He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize