I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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