We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
