I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
