i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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