Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
