if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize