If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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