I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
