And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
