He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
