We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
