Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Sponge bath it is.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
