he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
