Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
