My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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