I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
