Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
