Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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