then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
