I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
