McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
