I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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