i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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