Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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