did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize