i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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