Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
