mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
