im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
