the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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