i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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