everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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