I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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