What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
