Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
