OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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