so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
