My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if only i could text you this smell
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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