Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
