8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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