Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
someone threw a dead crab at me
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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