I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize