Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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