i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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