You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
