I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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