I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
