Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize