i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
