She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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