Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
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