her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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