TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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