I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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